I attend a play group once a week and most of the women there are pregnant. I am truly happy for each of them, watching their bellies grow and hearing about the excitement and trials of pregnancy. Right now there are more woman who are pregnant than woman who are not. As you can imagine it is quite difficult for me to go, especially seeing as I have been trying to get pregnant long before any of them. To be honest I haven't went to group for two weeks. The last time I attended I came home crying and miserable. That's when I knew I needed a break. A break so that I could learn to be satisfied with where I am at and thankful for what I have.
One of my friends from group asked me what she could to do make it easier for me. It was so sweet of her and I am so thankful that my friends are understanding of my struggle. I really didn't know what to say to her. For me, I think the biggest thing is that I need to learn how to be satisfied with what I currently have and find a place of contentment; even though I desperately want to be pregnant again. I need to realize that all the hope, worry, symptom spotting and careful planning in the world won't make me pregnant, I need to wait for God's timing.
I do need to talk about it sometimes and that is difficult. My husband can only hear me vent so many times and stare at me blankly not knowing what to say, poor guy. I feel like when I vent to anyone else I am just vomiting all over them. You know what I mean? I just feel like it is probably hurtful to the person I am venting to especially cuz there isn't much she can say. What are my friends supposed to say "Humm maybe you should both go for fertility tests" Right, like that's not awkward! No I feel like I need to work on my side of all this, but my friend brings up a good point I also need support through this and I just don't know how to ask, what it looks like or anything. I think this is why so often we suffer in silence through things like this.
Above all else I do believe that we need to get control of our emotions and recognize that thinking like "everyone is pregnant, except for me" is not helpful, unproductive and just pain untrue. Emotions and feelings are very real, so feel them for a while, cry, then brush yourself off and remind yourself what is actually real.
I really feel alone this time. Am I making it up in my head? Do I tell people? Will they believe me? All of these questions and emotions have been swirling around in my mind. I want to talk about it, no, actually I don't - I'm fine. Ok, ok, maybe I'm not fine but I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to know for sure if it's true that I had a SECOND miscarriage. If it is true, not only does it totally suck but then I have to face the reality that I lost another baby and the questions of "can I have a healthy pregnancy?".