When we are young we have hopes and dreams of what our lives
as adults will be like. We are told we can do anything; be anything as long as
we work hard and are determined. The problem is that we are seldom taught about the pain, disappointment that life also brings.
I have congenital heart disease that allows me to live a relatively normal life however it makes things like pregnancy very risky. I could have an easy pregnancy or I could have a very difficult one. I could go into heart failure, I probably won't go full term. I will be monitored very closely and undergo many tests to ensure that my health stays as optimal as possible. I am certain that over the course of pregnancy I will have many difficult decisions to make. It is hard for some people to understand why I would want to take such a risk. My reasoning is simple really, I believe that God will give me the strength to do it and I also believe that he gives us the desires of our hearts.
I found out I was pregnant on December 18 2013. I was stunned. We had been trying for a little over a year so when I saw that faint line I didn't believe it. I yelled for my husband. "John! John get in here! Do you see this!?" Yes there was a faint line and a line is a line. I was thrilled and immediately began taking the necessary steps to confirm the pregnancy. I needed to confirm right away so that my blood thinner could be switched from an oral medication to an injection. For several weeks there was so much joy in our home. We told immediate family and some close friends. John kept telling people; he just couldn't keep the news to himself. When I was 8 weeks and 6 days I went for an ultrasound. There was no noise coming from the machine but I figured that the volume was just turned down. The technician said that he couldn't see much so I had to have a transvaginal ultrasound. After that was done I was told to wait. When someone finally came she told me to make an appointment with my family doctor and to go home. At this point I knew something wasn't right so I told her she needed to tell me what as going on. She got her boss who told me those horrible words that we all pray we never will never hear "there isn't a viable pregnancy, there is no heart beat". I saw my GP the next morning and because of my heart complications I had a D&C that night. My baby had stopped developing at 7 weeks 1 day according to their measurements. I had two of my great friend who stayed with me until I was taken in for the procedure. They kept me laughing but as soon as I entered the ER I began crying uncontrollably. Knowing there was nothing they could say I was quickly put under. When I awoke after the procedure I was in absolute hysterics, going on and on about my baby being gone. I went home the next morning.
Those are the facts but the emotional part of it goes on and on. Just when I think I am doing better something triggers and I am swallowed up in grief again. That is what this blog is all about; suffering a miscarriage and continuing on with life even, when I don't want to or don't think I can.
I would love for you to share your story with me and ourangelsareinheaven@gmail.com
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