My Obsession

I've been trying to get pregnant again. Two months trying post miscarriage. I want to be pregnant now more than ever. I promise myself that I will not symptom spot and I won't think about it. Yet I still find myself up late at night on my phone researching the earliest pregnancy symptoms one can possible feel, I check my fertility calendar again and again to see when my period is expected and how many more days until I can test. Then I test and it's negative and I hold on to every shred of hope that I can, maybe just maybe, there is a chance that I am still pregnant. Then it happens. I get my period and I know it's over for that month. It usually takes me a few days to get over the disappointment and ramp up for the next month of trying and waiting and obsessing.
The problem is I am tricking my body into thinking that I am pregnant. The last month I had so many symptoms and I was trying to ignore them but I just couldn't. I REALLY thought I was pregnant and I believe my body thought it was pregnant to, my period was even late. I don't think this is healthy so I'm taking a break. No more trying, no more focusing on getting pregnant. I deleted all of my fertility, baby name, pregnancy apps. I will stop tracking my period and ovulation. I just have to stop. I cannot stand this anymore. I have to end this obsession while I still can.
I've decided that I need to focus on my son. Precious time is slipping away. Time that I will not get back, time that I am not spending on him but fantasizing of being pregnant. As if pregnancy is a wonderful thing rather than 9 months of exhaustion, puking and weird things going on with your body.I'm going to focus on losing weight and getting my body in the shape that I want. I have allowed my desire to get pregnant get in the way of my health. I should have lost this weight ages ago but every month I think I'm pregnant and take it easy.
I also asked myself "Do you really want another child or have you just romanticized the idea of pregnancy and another child" To be honest I think I have to a certain extent. I have fallen in love with an idea and am practically going crazy over it. I'm going to get back to my life; the life that is right in front of me instead of the one that doesn't exist. I haven't decided if I will go on birth control or not yet, most of them give me really bad side effects so I probably won't.
Hello life, I'm coming back to you.

Not a Happy Day

I'm at Church right now. On Morhers Day. I swear every woman around me is pregnant. I just want to cry. I should be pregnant right now, but I'm not. Lost my baby. I could be pregnant right now but I have very little hope of that. I've been waiting and waiting and am so frustrated waiting for something to change. When is it my turn!? I'm happy for all these pregnant ladies, I am. But I am also sad for me an others who have waited so long for the second line to appear on that stick, just to have it smuged out a few short weeks later. This is not how it should be. God help us all. Help us trust you.

Check this out: http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120

Anticipation, Waiting and Disappointment

This is my second month trying again since my miscarriage. It was hard at first, I think because it felt like I was letting go and forgetting. It's easier now and I'm back to being so intensely frustrated because I am not pregnant.

I should be pregnant right now. I should have a baby belly. But instead I am trying again. Trying is like torcher. All the anticipation, waiting and disappointment.