I don't know what to tell you today. I have been doing really well, almost great. I have been happy and continuing on with my life. Then I have these moments, where I wonder if I'm crazy because I seem to be moving on, or not thinking about it or whatever. Then I just keep going like the freaking energizer bunny; planning this, organizing that, cooking, cleaning. I have moments when I want to cry but I just don't have tears. The more I allow myself to grieve the realer it becomes. If I just ignore it will it go away? Will I wake up one day and realize this was all a bad dream?
I love to hear other peoples' stories it really helps me to know I am not alone. That other people look at pregnant woman and feel angry, or are jealous of their sister or best friend. However some people have pretty horrific stories. The more I hear these stories the more I feel like I got off easy. Maybe I don't have the right to grieve and mourn because I got off "easy". Maybe I am supposed to move on and pretend like nothing ever happened.
Ahhh but I can't DO that! Because something DID happen! My baby stopped developing and died in my womb. That loss is, at least for me at this point, is indescribable. It is a sorrow so deep within my soul it cannot find its way out; It's lost. If I don't grieve, I fear what it will do to me in the years to come. I do not want it to fester within me like a poison. I must gather the courage that it will take to face it and overcome it.
Have a listen to this song, I'm finding it really comforting and I hope you do too.
I had a missed miscarriage in January 2014. I was shocked, devastated, disappointed and alone. When we get pregnant we are not `supposed` to tell anyone until after the first trimester for fear that we will have a miscarriage and have to tell everyone. My husband and I chose to tell our immediate family and close friends. When I miscarried everyone was `sorry' and supportive. My sister brought meals and helped with my almost three year old son. My friend and mom in law brought flowers. Everyone was lovely. It took me a week just to feel a little bit `normal`. Once I began coming out of my funk and I began talking to my friends, I was amazed at how many of them had miscarried themselves. Why did I not know before? Why did they suffer in silence? I think I have figured out at least partially why when women miscarry we suffer in silence. Some of the people that I told about the miscarriage where very uncomfortable (people who had not miscarried themselves). I could see it rising on their face, their muscles tensing in fear of saying the wrong thing. Looking at me as if I was about to explode with tears and they where ill equipped to 'deal' with me. Truth is, I know you are sorry, I know you don't know what to say, I know you haven't experienced what I am going through. It's ok. If I need to talk about it, let me talk, if I need to cry let me cry without you calling a shrink. If I want to talk about the weather, or future plans listen to me. I think we don't share what we are going through because of how other people react to us. I think we feel like we are "too much' for them. We aren't suddenly made of glass. We feel like we may shatter but not in the way that you think.
Some people blame themselves for their miscarriage or feel guilt that maybe they did something wrong. I do not feel this guilt and I'm not too sure how many people feel this guilt but I think we are expected to feel it. I think people are surprised when we want to try again right away. You know it's ok to ask questions so you can understand what your friend who miscarried is going through. And if your friends are 'afraid' of you. I urge you to be courageous enough to tell them how you feel, explain to them that you aren't on but that is ok. I don't want to suffer in silence. Have I made it public on facebook what I have gone through? No, I'm not ready. I haven't even shared my story on this blog yet. BUT I will. We need to support each other, whether it's sharing a song that can help us let go of the tears so we can grieve or simply knowing that our story is being heard and hearing other peoples stores. Lets not suffer in silence. Let support each other and when we are ready lets tell those around us so that they don't have to suffer in silence too.
Send me your story and if you are ok with it I would love to post it to my blog.
Part if me is afraid that if I give up this sadness. If I move on and am happy again that I will be somehow losing my baby again. No one will remember my baby, I want her to live on in my heart. But I don't want to let her go...
I'm having a hard day today. I find myself angry, irritable and sad. I had to go to see my doctor today. Not for anything related to the miscarriage, I only needed prescription refills. I sat in the same room where the miscarriage was confirmed and I heard those words, "Sally, I'm so sorry". I tried to shake the feeling off but found myself fighting to hold back tears. The psychologist I saw said to just let it out, but really right there in the doctors' office? I managed to hold it together for the most part. I'm just waiting for this to get easier.
My friend who has suffered a miscarriage was encouraging me through email. I wanted to pass this along to you because I found much comfort in what she said.
"Well I heard a doctor say that when baby's don't make it into this world it's because they wouldn't of been strong enough to survive so instead they get to spend there whole life with Jesus in heaven and we will meet them one day!! How great is it to think that all those baby's r being cradled in His arms"
To those of you whose anniversary of your loss is near; I hope you are found with much comfort and love.
It's too much. This loss. This pain. I am being crushed by the unforgiving waves of emotion beating on me. They keep rolling in and crashing. I become numb. I wonder if it will stop. I begin to believe I can ignore it. I slip into disbelief; this did not happen to me. I cannot feel anything anymore, and then I wake up again to the crashing emotion and realize the tears that I have been holding are rolling down my cheeks again.
I'm so sorry for your loss, or losses. I hope that as we get to know each other our stories will comfort each other and we can move forward in our lives. I will always have a longing to have known my baby, to have kissed her/his little feet and hands. Some days I just want to world to stop and mourn with me but they don't know and I don't want to tell them - at least not yet. We must mourn, grieve and continue with life for our sake and our loved ones.
