This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

~Held Natalie Grant~

Stuck

I keep going through this same cycle. I act like it never happened. I feel nothing. For days. Then I remember. And it's like it just happened, all over again. Someone please tell me this gets easier. That I'll get past this stage of grief.

OB/GYN Appointment Today

I had my follow up appointment with my OB today. Through the miscarriage I found a really great OB/GYN and I really like her, it made the appointment a little easier. It was really hard though to be in a roomful of pregnant women. I just wanted to cry. My friend reminded me that I only know my story; not theirs. Maybe a few short months ago they where going through what I'm going through. I can just hope that soon I join them and grow a big belly.

The Dark Side of Me

When I see people who are happy and have popped kids out with no apparent struggle, one after the other, I get jealous. I wonder "why is it so easy for them?" Then I feel hatred and jealousy toward them; the poison of my unresolved anger regarding my own miscarriage. 

It took over a year of trying, before I became pregnant. For a few glorious weeks our dreams had come true. Then miscarriage; shattered dreams and hopes. Why is this so hard for me and so easy for others?

Tonight I did a horrible thing. I was hating on someone. She has healthy children and one on the way. Then I remembered that she must have had her baby, so I began creeping on her Facebook page to look for baby photos. I didn't find baby photos. I found out that her baby was in heaven, with mine.

I was reminded of this powerful truth, "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about". I can never let this happen again. Even while I struggle through my guilt, and anger I CANNOT allow my anger, my jealousy to overtake me and feel hate toward someone else. It was SO WRONG. So wrong to judge her based only on what I see. Because it is what I don't see that hurts her the most. I am so sorry, so sorry for her loss, for yours and for mine. I'm sorry I allowed the anger to fester. I realize that we are the same; struggling in silence grasping for hope in the darkness.

♥ Sally

Hiding

I've been struggling through my grief. Trying to deal with it and being unsuccessful. So I bought a book. Grieving the Child I Never Knew. So far I have read the introduction and the first chapter. It is really good and I highly recommend it to anyone who is having a hard time dealing with their grief or are hiding from it. I think that is what I am doing. I think I'm afraid that if I really fully embrace the grief, I'll never stop crying. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but right now it's as if my grief is a dam and if I stop hiding from my feelings the dam will break apart and flood my life. I don't want to be flooded, I just don't think I could handle that. I'm sorry, once again I don't have anything for you except my ramblings. I hope you are doing well.  I really do. But if you are not please know that is ok.

 I really would love to hear you story. Please take a moment and share it with me.

❤️ Sally