The Dark Side of Me

When I see people who are happy and have popped kids out with no apparent struggle, one after the other, I get jealous. I wonder "why is it so easy for them?" Then I feel hatred and jealousy toward them; the poison of my unresolved anger regarding my own miscarriage. 

It took over a year of trying, before I became pregnant. For a few glorious weeks our dreams had come true. Then miscarriage; shattered dreams and hopes. Why is this so hard for me and so easy for others?

Tonight I did a horrible thing. I was hating on someone. She has healthy children and one on the way. Then I remembered that she must have had her baby, so I began creeping on her Facebook page to look for baby photos. I didn't find baby photos. I found out that her baby was in heaven, with mine.

I was reminded of this powerful truth, "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about". I can never let this happen again. Even while I struggle through my guilt, and anger I CANNOT allow my anger, my jealousy to overtake me and feel hate toward someone else. It was SO WRONG. So wrong to judge her based only on what I see. Because it is what I don't see that hurts her the most. I am so sorry, so sorry for her loss, for yours and for mine. I'm sorry I allowed the anger to fester. I realize that we are the same; struggling in silence grasping for hope in the darkness.

♥ Sally