My Obsession

I've been trying to get pregnant again. Two months trying post miscarriage. I want to be pregnant now more than ever. I promise myself that I will not symptom spot and I won't think about it. Yet I still find myself up late at night on my phone researching the earliest pregnancy symptoms one can possible feel, I check my fertility calendar again and again to see when my period is expected and how many more days until I can test. Then I test and it's negative and I hold on to every shred of hope that I can, maybe just maybe, there is a chance that I am still pregnant. Then it happens. I get my period and I know it's over for that month. It usually takes me a few days to get over the disappointment and ramp up for the next month of trying and waiting and obsessing.
The problem is I am tricking my body into thinking that I am pregnant. The last month I had so many symptoms and I was trying to ignore them but I just couldn't. I REALLY thought I was pregnant and I believe my body thought it was pregnant to, my period was even late. I don't think this is healthy so I'm taking a break. No more trying, no more focusing on getting pregnant. I deleted all of my fertility, baby name, pregnancy apps. I will stop tracking my period and ovulation. I just have to stop. I cannot stand this anymore. I have to end this obsession while I still can.
I've decided that I need to focus on my son. Precious time is slipping away. Time that I will not get back, time that I am not spending on him but fantasizing of being pregnant. As if pregnancy is a wonderful thing rather than 9 months of exhaustion, puking and weird things going on with your body.I'm going to focus on losing weight and getting my body in the shape that I want. I have allowed my desire to get pregnant get in the way of my health. I should have lost this weight ages ago but every month I think I'm pregnant and take it easy.
I also asked myself "Do you really want another child or have you just romanticized the idea of pregnancy and another child" To be honest I think I have to a certain extent. I have fallen in love with an idea and am practically going crazy over it. I'm going to get back to my life; the life that is right in front of me instead of the one that doesn't exist. I haven't decided if I will go on birth control or not yet, most of them give me really bad side effects so I probably won't.
Hello life, I'm coming back to you.